I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
