I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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