please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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