I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
