You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
