The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
