oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Don't make out with my wife yet
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
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