I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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