I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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