I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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