i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
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