I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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