Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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