She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
