I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
