Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
