I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
