I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
