I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
