is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize