I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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