I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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