The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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