Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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