i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
