Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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