How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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