Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
