New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
