I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
