The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
