never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
