i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
