does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
He is an equal opportunity slut.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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