I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
