Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
