dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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