you turned your livingroom into a bong?
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
