Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize