she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
