I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize