Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
