I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
