Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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