ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize