I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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