we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
