i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
