everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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