I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
too bad you live with your parents still
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
