Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
