Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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