Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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