I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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