I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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