It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Randomize