ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
