dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
