yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize