Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize