people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
