Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
