you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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