My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
