Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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