Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
