Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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